1) Nice idea, but isn’t it prohibitively expensive?

Instead of just Mom’s house and Dad’s house, there is another dwelling. That would seem to add some expense. But think about it; is there a need for three substantial suburban homes? In the normal divorce situation, when both Mom and Dad need to maintain a place where the kids can live part-time, there needs to be extra room. Both parents need to have space and equipment for kids’ entertainment, schoolwork, friends, pets, sleeping, eating, bathing and general privacy. Moreover, it’s common to feel a little competition to keep up with your ex in what you provide your kids.

None of this occurs when the kids stay home. Their parents can provide them with a lovely, leafy, suburban home or a bigger big-city flat that everyone shares equally. All of their kids’ things are right there and there is constant adult supervision. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad can each get by with a small house or apartment. It’s pretty comfortable – in fact, pleasant – spending time in a small, quiet place, when you also are able to live a much bigger, busier one on a regular basis.

2) Where did you get the idea of allowing the kids to stay while parents move?

If necessity is the mother of invention, desperation must be its father. As agonizing as is the end of a marriage, the idea of prolonged separations from your child are worse. We also both wondered where our ex might live, and with whom. There was a lot of guilt and apprehension. Having our daughter stay in her home seemed like such a logical consideration. We frankly wondered why more couples hadn’t tried the kids-stay approach.

3) Is there a name for this phenomenon?

There is a California couple, KatRyn Howell and Roger Bowerman, who have employed a similar method for the last five years, and they call it, “Birdnesting.” (There are links for articles on them below). It’s a catchy, one-word description, but we find the cuteness of the term diminishing of the experience and its emotional substance; so we choose not to use it. “Kids Stay” resonates with what actually happens and what it means.

4) What happens if one of you remarries or has other kids?

Trying to anticipate what the future will bring with other relationships is a challenge. I (Rob) actually did remarry and now also have two young sons. When I started dating my wife, I explained our arrangement. Shannon was very understanding and supportive. Even after we were married, I kept my promises and continued the schedule. On the nights I was with Whitney, Shannon stayed alone in our house. The whole process allowed Whitney to gradually get to know Shannon without much pressure to share me (or a bathroom). We didn’t have our kids until Whitney was off to college. If we had children earlier, I think that Whitney, who was by that time pretty mature, would have helped us make something work.

5) What’s the idea behind the website? Are you selling something?

Our original idea was to write a book about our experience. The more we thought about it, the more we reasoned that it would be a much better book with the shared experience of many more parents and kids. We hope that this site attracts the attention of other couples who are living this solution and who might want to collaborate. If you are one of those couples reading this, please contact us. We would love to sit down with you either in person, on the phone or through the site. It is through our shared experience that we might help thousands of kids (and their parents).

6) Are there legal impediments the “Kids Stay” concept?